Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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