The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So much Jack, so little girl.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
