Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
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