I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
