**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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