Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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