He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
