My liver just broke up with me...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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