It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
