My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
