I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
