It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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