I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
