Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
