My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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