I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
