Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
