my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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