The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Everclear isn't food dammit
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize