Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
