Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize