Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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