So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
