My room smells like vodka and shame
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
