I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
