my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
