I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
