I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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