Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
