NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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