dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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