How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Randomize