Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
