does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
