Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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