There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
