Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
