A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You were trust falling into bushes
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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