So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
