Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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