i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
