Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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