Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
