I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
