I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize