i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No stitches, just platelets and will power
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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