My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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