just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
