I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
