i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She told me I should be a condom model.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I need water and some morals
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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