I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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