i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
