I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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