bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
