that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
