What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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