We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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