if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
