im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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