You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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