i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
