i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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