Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
