arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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