Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
