Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
